you were my bottle of poison
by SachiMalff
Summary: couple of fanfics for the breathtaking couple; hunhan.
1. list of works

this is my hunhan fanfics written in english, will be crossposted in aff or ao3 or livejournal, probably livejournal

h e r e

g o e s

t h e

l i s t

 **[midsummer night's plea]**

" _Sehun tried to move away. But he just stood there, in the middle of people who were busy running and trying to not get wet. But Sehun knew better._ _He knew he loved rain since it was the only thing that reminded him of that person."_

* * *

 **[blue and bruised]**

" _he just wished he could send the letter for a man who once was so dear for him._ _a fucking, single letter._ _"_


	2. midsummer night's plea

_**S**_ _a_ _ **c**_ _h_ _ **i**_ _M_ _ **a**_ _l_ _ **f**_ _f_

— _ **midsummer night's plea**_ _ **—**_

 _"Sehun tried to move away. But he just stood there, in the middle of people who were busy running and trying to not get wet. But Sehun knew better._ _He knew he loved rain since it was the only thing that reminded him of that person."_

 _[standard disclaimer applied]_

 _[oh sehun – lu han]_

— _midsummer night's plea_ _ **—**_

 _ **S**_ _a_ _ **c**_ _h_ _ **i**_ _M_ _ **a**_ _l_ _ **f**_ _f_

* * *

Something about rain sounded like a memory going through his heart like a knife. Something about rain reminded Sehun about someone with cheeky smile and wide eyes. Something about rain explained many things about the untold story left behind. Something about rain brought back a pain—a fresh wound; an empty space.

Something about rain reminded him about a man who liked dancing in stillness; singing in silence; painting in a blank space; writing in a deep agony.

A sound of laughter echoed in his ears like a broken cassette and Sehun stood there unmoving. His body went rigid and he let the rain wash his pain away. His eyes hardened when he remembered that person.

A man named Luhan, whose scent stil lingered a little longer, a little harder—painful enough to make Sehun wince at the thought of the person.

Sehun tried to move away. But he just stood there, in the middle of people who were busy running and tried to not get wet. But Sehun knew better.

He knew he loved rain since it was the only thing that reminded him of that person.

Because a certain someone loved rain a little too much. Because a certain someone told him to get wet in the middle of the rain. Because a certain someone left the memories of them with the first rain this year.

Because Sehun knew—that he still loved Luhan a little too much.

And this pain—this pain would not go away anytime soon, because the wound was still fresh. And anything would hurt him—even a slightest touch, a slow wind blowing.

Anything would only hurt him, because the absence of Luhan was too strong to be ignored.

.-

Sehun ignored the annoying looks thrown by the customers when he entered a familiar café and walked straight to an empty table beside the counter. He let his wet body went straight and ignored the pity look from Kyungsoo behind the counter.

As soon as he sat in the empty table, he put his coat off and placed it in the back of his seat, and not until he sat straight again, a familiar voice greeted him in a worrying tone.

"Don't let yourself be ruined by this goddamned rain."

Sehun let a half-hearted chuckle and shaked his head slowly. "It is not that cold, you know?"

"I'm not talking about the cold."

Sehun looked at Kyungsoo with a knowing look. His eyes softened a bit, and when Kyungsoo noticed it, the shorter man let a long sigh.

"Don't be like this, Sehun."

Sehun remained silent, but the absence of words never fooled Do Kyungsoo.

"Stop ruining yourself."

The voice of laughter from the customers all over that place redeemed Kyungsoo's desperate plea. The silence embracing the two men could never be gone, and Sehun knew better.

He knew that it was the best for him to remained silent, because no words could describe the complicated feeling going on in his head. No voices could convey his agony, because it was too deep, too fresh, too painful for him to handle.

"Sehun, Luhan would never like you to behave it in this way."

Sehun's eyes hardened in a moment. It was so cruel. Too cruel, how someone could affect him so deeply. How everyone could only mention a single, fucking name for him to break into pieces. How cruel it was, to spell a name which could make him silent in a moment—could tear him apart in one second.

"I... Kyungsoo, I..."

Kyungsoo's right hand reached and gripped Sehun's trembling hands and soothed him in the softest way. Those big eyes shone like it understood the untold stories Sehun wanted to convey, but failed miserably.

"I know, Sehun. I know..."

"No. No, you don't know. You—you never know how it feels."

Kyungsoo remained silent at those words because he knew that Sehun was right. He was right. Kyungsoo never understood. He never knew how it felt to be in a position like Sehun's. Sehun was right. Kyungsoo never knew his biggest fight he tried to hide away. Kyungsoo never knew his silent plea and soundless cry in the midnight. Kyungsoo never knew his deepest fear. Kyungsoo never knew how it felt—to be left behind.

"You're right. You're right, Sehun. I never know."

Sehun's trembling hands were so cold. So stiff like corpse's.

And outside, the pouring water from the colorless sky knew a silent plea from Oh Sehun. And like a midsummer night's shower, the sound of each raindrop still tried to wash away his pain—but failed nonetheless. Because the agony was just too deep.

Luhan's absence was just too painful.

And Sehun knew better.

That how many times he wished to God and universe for him to come back, it was just useless.

But still—missing someone who had affected him so deeply had been his habit.

* * *

If he could, he would trade his own soul to a wish. A wish to make him heartless so he could feel nothing. Nothing could only safe him from a broken heart, so he just wanted to be a heartless person. Because he knew better—he knew it would be better that way.

It was almost midnight but Sehun couldn't sleep. He didn't do sleep. Sleep was just a manifestation of a bitter reality so you could repeat the hurtful things you wanted to forget so badly. Sleep was just a bridge to your memories—both good ones and bad ones—and mixed it so you were played. Your brain would understand the memory playing in the dream but your heart couldn't. That was cruel, too cruel for someone like Sehun who only relied on feeling and memory to remember Luhan.

Sehun inhaled a deep breathe, filling his lungs with air full of Luhan's lingering scent. The scent made him suffocated, because Sehun realized that as time went by, the remain scent fade away and anything could fulfill the empty feeling in his heart.

It was almost midnight and Sehun could only stare at the blank ceiling. All seemed so colorless and numb. The vibrant of Luhan's laughter and voice fade slowly as Sehun could not remember which one was Luhan's voice or his desperate plea.

All things in his home was full of Luhan. Luhan's smile lingered a little too much on every place in this home. Everything shouted his name— _Luhan, Luhan, Luhan_. And Sehun was just too tired to make it stay. To make Luhan's presence be a absolute truth. Sehun was battling with the suffocating solitude, alone, full of agony but he remembered a thing.

He remembered.

Call him crazy, but Sehun could only care less.

And soon, he grabbed his phone in the table beside his bed and in a flash, he texted to a certain number.

" _Hyung_ …"

" _Can I call you?"_

" _Hyung, I miss you. Please come back."_

" _Please, Hyung. Don't be like this. I miss you like a retard."_

" _Kyungsoo, Jongin, Chanyeol—our friends miss you too! They are sad just because you're not here anymore. Even Zhu misses you! That fatass cat meows at me and gives me his sad look whenever I get home alone without you. Please…"_

" _Where do I go wrong, Hyung. Tell me. Where do_ we _go wrong?"_

" _Hyung… I will kiss you better. I will love you better, take a very good care of you. Even I would love Zhu too! Please, come back Hyung. Don't ruin me."_

" _You said you wanted to go to a festival at town this March, right? Okay, I'll accompany you there even though I don't like crowded place. Just… Please, come back to me."_

" _Don't leave me behind."_

" _Please…"_

" _Come home, kay?"_

" _Hyung…"_

" _Luhan…"_

" _I'm at home everytime you want to go back here. I—I'm always here."_

" _Luhan… Please, just for this time."_

" _Sweetheart…"_

" _Do you want me to die?! You know I'm suffocated and you're the air I could ever ask!"_

" _Luhan… Please."_

And there was no single reply.

And Sehun cried silently.

But—

 _Pip! Pip!_

Sehun opened his eyes in a flash, and when he looked at his phone and got a familiar name appeared in the screen.

"Hello?"

Silence.

"Luhan… Luhan, please, com—"

"Sehun _-ah_ …."

Sehun's heart, once again, broke into pieces when all he heard was a different voice, not a familiar one that always haunted him in his sleepless nights.

"Don't be like this…"

"…"

"Please, don't ruin yourself. Luhan would not like it. Please, Sehun."

"…"

"Please let Luhan go."

"…"

"He will be sad up there if he knows you behave like this."

"…"

"He has died, Sehun, and you should stop chasing his memories. Stop agonizing about his death, Sehun. _Mama_ begs you. You—you should move on too."

"…"

"You should erase the pain. Because my little boy would only cry if he knows that his dearest husband let himself be ruined slowly."

And Sehun, let tears cover his haggard face.

Because Sehun knew better—that even universe forced him to let Luhan go, he just couldn't. Because he had held down the memories with Luhan.

The sound of raindrops reminded Sehun of bitter reality where the world was so cruel without a person whom you could in love with. The sound of rain crashed with the earth beneath reminded Sehun of a thousand silent ways where he would be more than willing to confess—that even he couldn't touch him anymore, he would whisper a thousand cheesy words for Luhan so he wouldn't be alone up there.

The sound of raindrops redeemed his voiceless cry. The sound of raindrops brought his _I love yous_ to his lover, his only one.

And may God whisper to Luhan that Sehun still do.

Sehun still love Luhan in a hundred silent ways.

* * *

END


	3. blue and bruised

_**S**_ _a_ _ **c**_ _h_ _ **i**_ _M_ _ **a**_ _l_ _ **f**_ _f_

— _blue and bruised_ _ **—**_

" _he just wished he could send the letter for a man who once was so dear for him.a fucking, single letter."_

 _[standard disclaimer applied]_

 _[oh sehun – lu han]_

— _blue and bruised_ _ **—**_

 _ **S**_ _a_ _ **c**_ _h_ _ **i**_ _M_ _ **a**_ _l_ _ **f**_ _f_

luhan did not know what brought him into this state. wandering around in the darkness night of wuzhen seemed a reckless choice when you were a very famous actor—a top actor of the century. yet it did not stop him. however, his heart and sanity were not in a good state right now, so how could you blame him just for wandering like a crazy madman around the town?

the smoke in his lips were burning—he did not like smoking, but he thought it was the only remedy for his rotten heart. he would never touch alcohol again in this state just because his mother told him not to. he was so fond of her he would never go against her words.

his timid steps echoed in the space, the slow wind blew the smoke coming from his cigarette. the cold breeze of the weather did not stop him, yet he hid his frozen hands into his pocket. his luxurious watch reminded him he should go back to his apartment because it had already past 2 o'clock and who in the world would be out there in the chilliest night of the season just to wander around like a clueless sheep?

luhan. only luhan.

it was so lucky of him there were no fans around him right now, because—hell, luhan knew better that thousands of his _sasaeng_ would sacrifice anything, even their nights just to stalk him every day.

four or three years ago luhan would gladly do this kind of crazy activity—wander around just to enjoy the solitude of the night, a very precious moment—with someone who was very dear to him.

ah—only the thought of him killed his already ruined mood.

it was so crazy and funny at the same time, now, if luhan would say—how he could not bear to say the name that was once so dear to his life, because it was too painful, too unbearable, too fucking hurt for his broken state.

luhan gulped the numb feeling he felt, hoping it would cease soon because he was so tired of having this feeling gnawing inside his heart and soul.

actually luhan would have been better if he could have the last chance to convey his feeling before the end closed the way for him to move on. but life, as he already knew, was so unfair he could never stand a chance for it.

he just wished he could send the letter for a man who once was so dear for him.

a fucking, single letter.

but of course his studio never let him, nor _his agency_. it felt like the whole universe was against him just to send a fucking letter. (he should know this but a tiny of hope in his heart told him that there could have been a chance.)

luhan closed his eyes, his right hand roaming the paper he tugged in his pocket. slowly, his hand gripped the paper, tightly, like he conveyed his anger through it.

this was all useless now. all of it.

he thought the world had been cruel enough for him—he thought the world had punished him cruel enough to love someone who would never love him back, but no. he did not know how it could be like this.

loving someone who could never love you back was painful enough, but he thought seeing that person lived a happy life with someone else was the real deal. what a fucking tortured life.

there was no use now, for him to keep the letter.

luhan sighed for the last time, ignoring the pain inside his heart. he pulled the letter from the pocket, squeezed it until it became a tiny ball and then he threw it.

the gravity along with the wind made the letter fell in the ground, far enough for his eyesight to care.

it was all useless.

he would not pick it up again, however, the letter that he spent the couple of night writing for it would never be sent to oh sehun.

a fucking big no.

oh sehun would never get that letter, and his pain would never reduce.

his unspeakable emotion, his truest feeling, his lovely words of waiting and hurtful truth behind his action in the past five years—sehun would never know any of it.

not if all the truth he wanted to say now was sprawled in that ground, probably would be buried by mud and fallen leaves.

 _to oh sehun who probably would not even spare a glance to me ever again. hello, buds, how's life going? probably better after i left, because i know i had hurt you too deep so i guess you would be happier now, which is true._

 _well, what should i say first._

 _okay, let me start this. i will write it short because y'know, things get harder for me to reach you. after you blocked me and changed your number countless time after i left exo, i was so frustrated until i thought i could never contact you ever again._

 _sehun, i don't exactly know what is going around in soukor. i only know from the media—which is pathetic because i am completely sure that the media is manhandled by your agency about any news related to their artists—that you have dated a woman. sehun, really?_

 _i only need your short answer, is it true or not? just—give me the answer because i need it._

 _okay, first thing first, i want to say sorry, a thousand sorries because i have been a jerk towards you. i know you probably will never forgive me but trust me, sehun, when you conveyed your feelings to me three years ago, i felt the same. no, i feel the same—then and now, it never changed anything, i still feel those butterfly feelings towards you. shortly, i love you too, but at that time i could not pinpoint it nor answer you like that because it was too dangerous. a love of two men was and is a dangerous thing, sehun. you know that. the world will mock you—you would be kicked from exo and people would turn their backs against you. it's so dangerous i could never imagine you to experience such treatments. so i decided just to ignore your confession, let it go until you forgot that you had that feeling. but man, guess what—you were so damn idiot, you kept chasing me, begging me for giving a fucking clear explanation of why i left your confession unanswered. damn, sehun, if only you knew the reason behind my action._

 _i was so confused about anything—you kept chasing after me, the members started to get suspicious, and the agency started to get itchy about your actions._

 _i was so scared you would do something that would put you in the dangerous place because i have known you for ages sehun, and i definitely know that you would do something to get what you deserved from me._

 _my guess was true, though. you kept saying the media, giving the hint that you were attracted to men or whatever it was, you kept touching me in front of the camera, you kept stealing glances, even after i drew a bold line and stuck with minseokie._

 _i was so scared you would come out. so i decided to leave. yea, so stupid of me, i know. but i knew it was all worth the pain and struggle, sehun, because once i left the company, i could reach you and give you explanation. i thought leaving the agency would be the best answer, but no. fucking no._

 _i thought life would be easier that way—i would leave the agency, built a new career in china, collecting lots of billions, and when the day came you could probably left the group too and moved to china or unnamed island to have a beautiful future with me. oh, how reckless i was, dreaming something stupid like that._

 _but honestly sehun it was all what i planned for both of us. i didn't think you would hate me for my decision, you would hate me for leaving without further explanation of why i refused to give you a 'yes or no' answer for your confession._

 _i didn't think you would hate me so fucking much for everything i did._

 _sehun, now that the media keep releasing the suspection, rumour, and unofficial statement from the agency, i would do anything to hear your answer, is that true, the news saying that you are dating irene? because i think i would go crazy if this rumour keeps unfounded. i would gladly think and pretend that it was just a hoax or the agency playing with this dating game again, but i would love it to hear the answer from you._

 _i know i have been a complete bastard for giving you so many pains these years. i contacted you, i have tried to reach you but you didn't allow me to. you blocked all my socmeds, you changed your numbers and all of our collagues would never reply my text asking your newest number. even minseok and yixing couldn't give you yours. sehun, i am deeply sorry if my actions cut a deep wound into your heart but i have my reasons._

 _on top of that i would confess my feeling that yes, i do too, i love you too, but i guess it's too late now._

 _i hope nothing—heck, i didn't even believe my dreams above about me and you lead a happy life in an unnamed island would come true, right now—but just for you to read this and know that i love you too. now and then._

 _and i would love to hear your voice again, sehun, real voice. i would do anything just to reach you and call you and speak to you._

 _you know, my number would never change because i still hope that someday you would call me again. i don't know, i just hope. so you can call me asap if you have read this._

 _i hope my studio would permit me to send this because i was so frustrated because i could not reach you everywhere. please, at least read this and contact me again. i'd die just to hear your voice calling my name again._

 _your hyung,_

 _luhan._


End file.
